Stewing

I am amazed at how stuck I get in my own mind at times, and by how much I try to save myself from me. A little while ago I messed up, made a mistake, not a huge one, but I knew it. In trying to solve the problem, I went at it from every angle, tried every solution, but it was going to take time for the solution to work its way out. After I had done everything I could, I sat there with nothing possible left and felt ashamed. But I had done all that I could to fix the problem, it would be solved soon anyway, I should have been okay, but I still felt that I was a bad person because of what I had done. And I sat there, stewing in my own juices, ruminating in ways to pull myself out of my own shame. Nothing I was doing would work, and then, as if from a dream or cheesy religious film, the beam of light hit me on the head or as I like to call a spade a spade, the Holy Spirit finally got through to me. I needed to repent. I had sinned, I needed to tell God I was sorry. Faster than St. Nick could make it up a chimney I begged the Lord for forgiveness and laid it at his feet. The change in me was immediate, the weight that had been on my shoulders for days was lifted. In the next couple of days while I was waiting for a conclusion to the muck, I was at peace. I knew that the Lord had me in his hands and it was taken care of. I even was able to see how God smoothed out some of problem, bringing the solution to a close sooner than I had expected.

I realize in these moments what is harder to see when the magnifying glass isn't shining light on the issue. It's easy for me to say that my gods are not in Hollywood, in riches (I work in ministry) or other more visible things that we tend to judge others for. It's in these moments that I realize how easy it is for me to try to solve my own problems, to try to fix my own sin instead of handing it over to God. But finally, when God makes it through my thick head and I realize what is going on, what God can really do, it's not magic, it's majestic.

So the next time I begin to mess with my own head better than the Borg ever could, I'll have to pull a Chinese fire drill and let him in the driver's seat again.

May Christ be ever more present in our hearts this Advent!